FOR SELF-HATING CUB FANS, CUB-HATING SOX FANS, AND BASEBALL-LOVING ESPN BASEBALL TONIGHT HATERS--BECAUSE BASEBALL TONIGHT IS REALLY, REALLY BAD RIGHT NOW.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
YANKEE PRIDE
This was a serious photo shoot.
I can't get enough of the Clemens bashing. While starting the revolution in Burma this last winter, I missed out on the Mitchell Report findings and Clemens' demise. Of all the things I "missed" while I was gone (I didn't really MISS anything), I think watching Clemens' decline would have been the most entertaining. Giants win the Super Bowl? Na. I can watch that on tape. But Clemens going down like the lying scumbag he is, without a shred of dignity remaining, that must have been great to watch. And now, it just continues.
I have two friends who were proud, and probably still are blindly Yankee proud, that they were in the stands, and subsequently shown on TV during Clemens' 300th win. Sorry about that guys. Now you know it was all a big scam that you fell for. Oops.
Once upon a time, when this blog was the gold standard of baseball information, Sam Fuld used to sit next to me at work from time to time. It was mostly because I was the only guy who would pretend to listen to him talk about how awesome he was at baseball and how smart he was, and how many chix he was scum bunching and bringing back to his couch that he used to sleep on. The guy's ego was unchecked and totally out of control, and the way he plays baseball is a reflection of that: The lack of hustle, the lousy work ethic, the sense of complacency, and snubbing his Cub teammates when they tried to high-five him.
Fuld has also been spotted at the Pussycat Lounge in Scottsdale, buying bottle after bottle of Voss premium drinking water, which the ladies love out there.
During my trek thru Myanmar and Southeast Asia for the past three months with my colleague C Schwenn Jenkins, I realized that writing stuff on a blog is more fulfilling than being a huge go-to-guy in a revolution, which is what I was in Myanmar. I specialized in the sabotagement of military operations, as well as the recruitment of asian chix into my company.
I also missed plenty of the Cubs pennant push which is what I'll address here.
Cubby Bear. Key time: 1:15
Cubs game. Labor Day weekend? It doesn't really matter. Bottom line is, this happens at Cubs games. Alcohol consumption really creates deception at the ballpark. For instance, you could be deceived by the alcohol that there might not be 40,000 people around you, some of whom being creepshows taping you. You're not taking that into regard, because you're all trashed up and you're a sophomore Gamma Phi at ISU. That's not to say the blond girl isn't my hero.
And here's your winner, friend of The Dumb, Gymmy H., turning in this performance at HiTops the night the Cubs clinched. You wanna talk about Oxenfaced Mutantcy Disorder, here you have something very, very similar:
From the Confusing Activity with Accomplishment Department comes this story: The Cubs get another good clubhouse/game-caller/pitchin-staff-handler guy who also happens to be an automatic out. Oh well. Just keep winning and I'll be a happy camper.
BARRETT BEING SHOPPED AROUND; OTHER STUFF ON THE CUBS
WGN had an awesome flashback piece on this yesterday.
I got peeps saying the Cubs are shopping Michael Barrett actively right now. I don't know who they'll put back there full time, there aren't a lot of good options, but hopefully they have a plan in place (doubtful). They won't get Posada. Pudge or LoDuca? Highly unlikely considering both those guys are proven bulldogs and winners and are playing for teams contending for a World Series championship. You just don't give away your catcher, especially ones that are team leaders, and especially when you're having a sustained run of success that coincides with those guys behind the plate.
This is hilarious also, because it's classic Cub sell-low-buy-high, everybody-in-our-front-office-failed-Econ-101 organizational behavior which has been noted on a blog once. Barrett is at the absolute low point of his Cub career.
Barrett definitely has flaws though. He's a shitty pitch receiver. And he's obviously a really bad game-caller (when an essential two-pitch guy (and sally) like Rich Hill confronts you in the dugout, something has to be really wrong). He arm gets a bad rap because the Cubs pitching staff simply refuses to hold runners (with the exception of Zambrano). It's a damn free-for-all when anybody else is on the mound.
The thing right now is...the Cubs staff loves Koyie Hill. The guy currently has a Catcher's ERA of.... 1.75.
1.75!!!
Barrett's is 4.17.
I'm not saying your future isn't better with Michael Barrett not catching your games, but you still need a non-automatic out at the plate when you replace him.
In other Cub news...the Cubs suck at fights. I mean, they're good at starting them and getting in "fights", but they play like shit after they get into them. Examples...
August 27th 2004, Astros--Barrett and Oswalt have an altercation. The Cubs who had a 100 game lead or something in the Wild Card, get destroyed 15-7 in that game, then Carlos Beltran beats them singlehandedly the rest of the series. They lose 3 of 4. The Astros continue on a ridiculous tear after that (28-7) and the Cubs lose a bunch of games. No playoffs for the Cubs.
2006, White Sox--Barrett punches Pierzynski, the Cubs suck.
2007, Braves--Soriano, Renteria get plunked Cubs blow final two games of series.
2007, Padres--Cubs lose final two games of series after fight.
Other things. It'll be interesting to see if D-Lee slumps after getting that ball thrown at his head. WGN had an awesome flashback of Eric Show beaning Dawson in '87, and then The Hawk just goes on a search and destroy mission after Show. The Red Baron is in there scrappin', and then Madd-Ox comes in the next inning and hits the first guy with a pitch and gets tossed. I looked at Dawson's game log after that, and he goes into a huge two-week homerless slump, and sits out for injury and suspension. He still hit 49 homers that year.
Matt Holliday was just fine until doing himself over the canister with his own helmet.
Dear Matt Holliday,
Before we get down to brass tacks, it would be wise to remember, in all fairness, that you are having a pretty good season. Currently treading water in a lake known as "12 Game Hit Streak", you somehow manage to produce runs while playing for the lowly Colorado Rockies, the toilet bowl of the NL. Believe us, we know just how desperately your team needs those runs. With meatball pitchers like Jason Hirsch and TaylotBuchholz strutting out there on the mound, lord knows you'll need lots of them.
But for the love of all things that are good and decent, Holliday, try to act like a professional, and not like a podunk, two-bit rodeo clown! When things don't go your way, do not degenerate into a three-year-old child and start a pathetic downward spiral of tantrum-induced self-flagellation. Next time you get the urge to hit yourself, take a lap and hit the showers instead.
How ironic is it that the helmet, which is meant to PROTECT your head, in the end is actually responsible for splitting it open?!?
Boy, I wish I had a direct connection to the dugout phone, Holliday. I'd give you a piece of my mind, Holliday. I'd remind you a couple hundred times a day that your schoolgirl antics are not the cure for the severe case of vaginalitis that you seem to have contracted, possibly from your regular games of ticklebutt with Todd "Nancy Drew" Helton.
What kind of last name is Holliday, anyways? Is that common down in that goat-raping, tractor-riding Oklahoma crap-factory you call home? Consider yourself lucky that your uncle is a scout for the Rockies, and we don't even wanna know what kinds of "special favors" (Rub-n-tug?) you did for him to get signed...
Cut the stumblebum, cool-ass, primadonna antics, Holliday. Start acting your age, Holliday. Get down off your soap box, sack up, and quit the tulip act, jerkass.
I remain,
Ross McLochness
PS Hit the weight room, Susan. Whip those boney little girl-arms into shape.
There's going to be more fallout from this tomorrow.
That's because you usually don't get admitted to the hospital for a "busted lip". Usually, you just put ice on that.
You might get admitted to the hospital if one of your teammates, who is losing millions and millions of dollars right now, pummels you so badly that your employer fears you have sustained brain damage.
A trusted CubDumb source says Michael Barrett was admitted to Northwestern hospital with two black eyes and possibly head trauma. His dome was purportedly bashed into a locker. They were running CAT scans on his brain.
Here's Lou. (Lou doesn't like Big Zambeezie. And my people are telling me they weren't going to resign him, even before this)
UPDATE: Barrett also got knocked out cold. The entire story has been cofirmed by three different sources now.
Colby Lewis is back in the majors. I couldn't believe it. I was so pumped. This guy is going to go down in history as one of the worst pitchers of all time, and we are able to witness it. Billy Beane let him start a game, and he promptly allowed 10ER in 3.1ip. Unreal.
Former worst pitcher of all-time, Terry Felton, thanks you.
Success, failure, being a pussy, and more success. This is the True CUBDUMB Story. (This picture also shows a legitimate athletic stance of a sport we play in America. No lie.)
The College Years
When you ask other Big Ten ballplayers circa '99-'03 about Rich Hill, they say, "He was alright, kind of a sally, really good curveball though, but walked a shitload of people." Yeah, so, that's the information we have. Then they usually start talking about Nick Swisher and how Swisher "knew he was awesome, all seven hundred scouts in the stands that were there to see him knew he was awesome, and then every outfielder backed up to the warning track, and then he'd swing out of his shoes. If he popped up on the infield, he'd throw his bat 100 feet down the right-field line and yell 'MUTHERF---ER!!'".
The Swish.
Back to Hill, though.
MINORS
There was a long, slow learning curve here, just like in college, and just like we saw after two stints in the bigs. But, then, unlike any starting Cub pitching prospect with the exception of Kerry Wood, or just about any starting pitching prospect ever since they began keeping historical minor league stats, Hill started striking guys out at a near 15K/9 rate. Ridiculous. We had a man-crush on him.
2005
Hill comes up for a bully session with Larry Rothschild the day before he gets called up. He throws about 40 pitches, displaying the entire arsenal. Rothschild, straight-up confused, says "Why aren't you in the majors, seriously?" Hill does OK in his spot starts, then has an awful one, and goes back to Iowa.
2006
Hill comes up and performs terribly. We can't stand him. At one point, OneriFleita throws a temper tantrum in the Cubs front office saying, "Hill, this f---ing guy! He's the biggest f---ing pussy in the system!" Hill is on the mound during the Cubs-Sox fight of '06 and gets shelled thereafter, and gets sent back down to the minors. He dominates there possibly better than ever before. He gets called back up in August, and everything clicks.
2007
MLB leader in ERA. 3-0. Being called the "De Facto Ace" of the Cubs' staff. He'll probably get mashed his next start just because of "regression to the mean" (Joe Sheehan told me to tell you that) and because looking at his name in the paper everyday at the top of every pitching category will cause him to become introspective, which deters the rhythm and frequency of "Zone-inducing" Beta brain waves, or something like that.
But, he's going to have a real good season. He's got two pitches he can throw for strikes, the same two he can induce WHIFFs on, plus he creates deception with all the elbows and kneecaps he throws atcha as well as some heavy down-angle and tilt variance.
Rich Hill. Weirdo. But a good guy you want taking the ball.+
"I CAN SEE...SOME OF THE WAYS THIS TEAM HAS LOST BALLGAMES"
We perpetuate the image of "Bad Lou"--the one that Lou doesn't like being perpetuated. But Bad Lou is actually Good Lou, and we like him. He appears to be a human being who gets frustrated when his team plays like shit.
Hey, the baseball season started, didn't it? Looks like we're about two weeks in.
We're going to review a team called the Cubs.
Is there anything about this baseball team that gets you to believe they might be championship-caliber, or even competitive?
Or, let's just start with this: Any different from last year's team?
I think they probably will be. Probably a little better. But it would save me a nightmare or two if ALF didn't impersonate a right-handed version of Juan Pierre--swinging at everything and toppling sliders in the other batters box to the pitcher.
I know it's a cliche, but they find ways to lose, and, here's another cliche, all teams will lose 60 and win 60, and it's what you do with the other 42 that count. Well, they've played a whole bunch of those "other 42" already, and they've lost all of them, at least by my count.
Here are some key potential developments to look for in the next month and a half:
Carlos Zambrano
It sounds stupid and panicky to say this but....has he lost it? His walk rate just keeps getting worse and worse and worse, his arm angle gets lower and lower. Does he have an idea where any of his pitches are going? The walks are getting to a frightening level. He struggled last April, and ended up being really good, but just watch out. Being all crazy and intense is cool to look at, but there is a cliff out there you can fall off of. Ask Jose Lima.
Cold Weather
Soon, it won't be really cold. And that's good because Latin guys really, really hate the cold. I know, everybody hates the cold, but notice the extra "really" I put next to the Latin guys part. Ok, now please don't fire me. Soriano will come back and go on a tear in May. Ramirez always gets better as the year goes on, and Zambrano hopefully repeats his normal yearly trend.
Might as well make another sweeping generalization that involves race: It's good to have Cliff Floyd on the team because he's keeping Jacque Jones from being miserable. This is because they're both black guys, and it's really lonely being the only black guy on the team, like Jones was last year, and it's especially lonely when drunk dopes throw baseballs at you from the stands. Black guys like hanging out with other black guys--it's not like you see in all the beer commercials. Really.
Derrek Lee
Is awesome. I have to watch this guy hit. It looks like a golf ball coming off his bat when he hits a pitch. His hands stay inside the baseball, and then he absorbs and applies force to it. D-Lee.
We've said it before, and we'll say it again: Earl Weaver lives, breathes, and sweats the American spirit. In this clip, what starts as a baseball argument quickly degenerates into a tirade of finger-pointing, name-calling, fuck-youing, and eventually a grab-bag of low blows and cheap shots. We've seen arguments between kindergardeners that were more mature.
Hey Sox fans, if you're pounding Miller Lites, driving around shirtless in your Toyota Tundra, and mashing Kielbasa meat in between your teeth and want to sound smart for a change, talk about how you really like Charlie Haeger. Now that Johnny "AWWW" Danks ("For Nuttin") has claimed the fifth starters job, you might have to wait a little while before you're proven right, but from what I've got here, Charlie Haeger's knuckleball is very, very, very good. We know this because it appears to be better than the best knuckleball the game has seen in the last quarter century.
Right, right, what about spring training? Hey, nothing works in the Cactus League, especially a knuckleball when you're standing a half-mile high into the sky. Just take a looksy at 2006 here:
Knuckleballs 2006
-----------------Avg Vel. Bat Miss% InKZ% OppSlg% BABIP GB% Charlie Haeger --71.523 ---0.308---0.42 ----0.185---0.231--0.59 Tim Wakefield --67.625---0.222----0.49----0.414---0.232--0.41
Were Haeger's appearances, for the most part, low-leverage last year? Sure. But an opponents' .185 Slg% against is still, well, .185. Get on board, Sox fans. And let's get the knuckleballer in town. It'll be fun.
Whoa whoa, is that an almost cute, possibly even cute girl in the Orange Krush at 2:45? I can't believe what I'm seeing here. A little Evan Rachel Wood there, maybe? Ok, that's a reach. Here are a bunch of One Shining Moments.
Hey, listen, this is an old-tyme baseball man, who says things that olde-tyme baseball men say.
Official Lou Piniella quote: "Hey, I love statistics, I love working the percentages. At the racetrack this morning, well, it didn't work out for me so good, but believe me, I'm a numbers guy." --Lou, Winter Meetings, Orlando, 2007.
It's becoming pretty clear to me that Lou is going to be the most influential Cub of the 2007 season. Just read this stuff. Am I geeking out here? Is it not exciting to hear some straight talk and logic from a manager? Have you seen the Real Sports interview? He's so overjoyeed by the fact that he's back managing a baseball club that he starts weeping.
It's been hard to write about the Cubs lately because it's difficult to be a bitter, make-fun-of-the-Cubs guy when you have a full-blown man-crush on their manager, and I'd rather not make fun of them for at least a week, week-and-a-half.
Here's another thing: stop being so mean to Jacque Jones. It looks like, by all indications, that Jacque is going to be platooned, or mostly platooned against lefties. Listen, this, and we've said this before, is a win-win-win situation. Jacque, especially if he gets rid of his Steve Blass Disease, can be a very solid player just hacking away at righties.
If you're wondering whether I got laid last night for the first time in seven years and this is why I've posted such a flowery item, well, heh, it's funny you asked because...
